Where I've Come From

Posted on Sat Oct 22nd, 2011 @ 12:33am by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ibis Xeri

I suppose I misunderstood the counselor at the Academy when she said I might expect to see Major Wallace again soon. Maybe my own hopeful mind invented the idea. All the same, just knowing he is out there somewhere-- alive! Maybe it's best I couldn't find him. There's no telling how he thinks of me since the ice caves. Whether he's mad or disappointed. I deserve much worse than his ire. I didn't even get reprimanded. Commander Taylor claimed it was his fault. He's kept my image in his office all this time. I'm not sure where he got it. I don't remember ever seeing him with a camera. Maybe the guys in the barracks had a camera when I came to use their gym. But why would he want to remember me? Maybe it's best that I couldn't catch him in time. As badly as I want to see him again, I'm not sure I could bear his disappointment in me.

I went to Daniel and Amber's wedding. It was so beautiful. I used to dream about a wedding like that. We're all very happy for them. I ran into someone there and it was interesting talking again. Okay, it was Nadhir. It's not as if anyone is going to read this anyway, right? We talked. And danced. And maybe I shouldn't have. I love remembering what we had, but it just reminds me of what can't be and how I fouled up an otherwise lovely relationship at its weak moment. My dreams were misplaced. I look back to when everyone used to tell me how innocent I was. Well except for Wallace, he just thought I was plain stupid. I don't think he was wrong. And then Fatima called me out as a strumpet. I don't think she was wrong either. I guess I'm starting to see myself from the perspective of a little life experience. Frankly, it's embarrassing. Sometimes I wish I could go back and convince myself not to be so ignorant. But I'm pretty happy with who I am now, and if I'm being honest about it, I wouldn't be who I am now if I wasn't who I was then.

Maybe it was Etraena that gave me the chance to see myself more clearly. It was so hard to come back to life here after all of what happened there. It's been more than a year since that away mission and sometimes I still feel... powerless. I know it wasn't a war I fought, but I can imagine now what some of these war veterans feel walking around with everyone else and no one in the galaxy has the faintest clue about what will always be the most powerful experience of your life. You just come home and it's like... no matter what you do, you'll never be quite the same. You learn to pretend it didn't happen if you want to relate again, but that just makes you feel as though you're in denial.

I should probably talk to a counselor. I've avoided anything other than the yearly duty psych report ever since that one who was so demeaning with all of her babying terms for me. I wish counseling were more practical. Maybe then I'd go more often to sort this stuff out.